Here's what I don't understand: Food.
I was a tad anxious today. Unsettled. Grumpy in the morning. I have legit reasons for anxiety so I'm not worried about that at all. Its this:
I was craving food. Not just any food, the stuff I shouldn't eat. Fat and sweet. The fact that I wasn't going to let myself have those foods was making me, if anything, worse. I started craving ice cream. I needed it. I wanted it. I had to have it. If I didn't have it I was going to die of twitchy, mind exploding emotion. I could have crawled out of my own skin.
So why? I can understand alcohol, it's mind altering. It puts a damper on anxiety, at least for me. It lets all those inhibitions loose. But I have no trouble not drinking alcohol. I have maybe two drinks a year, and those I could take or leave. Drugs the same way. Don't appeal to me.
But food. Oh God. I go into withdrawal. I crave the strangest things. Diet Coke/Pepsi. Nuts. Cookies. Chocolate, of course, but most especially ice cream. Now why is that? I know sugar can alter moods and caffeine. Oh and Chocolate. But nuts? Salt of course and fats. Are fats mind altering, because truthfully I could eat avocados non-stop for a month. Sliced, mashed, guac'ed. Avocados are lovely on toast with a little salt. So it doesn't have to be ice cream, avocados work too.
As you can probably tell, I caved. I ate an ice cream sandwich in the car outside the hardware store. And I immediately felt BETTER. Not like a pill whee you have to wait 20 minutes to get rid of a headache. Immediately. Better. Twitchiness all gone. Head back where it belongs.
This really bugs me because eating ice cream isn't in my best interest. It's hell on my blood sugar. But it works. It brings me down from places a therapist can't even reach, and it does it in five seconds flat.
Okay, I give. The therapist could probably get there eventually, but who wants eventually when you can have right now? Not me, obviously. I couldn't even make it out of the hardware store. But why?
I've heard of stuffing emotions, I haven't had my head in the sand for the bast twenty-five years. But I still don't get how avocado on toast can bring immediate relief from crawling skin and the desire to leave the country. NOW.
And cream cheese with Nutella on a toasted bagel? Takes me to heaven.