Thursday, June 17, 2010

Endings - moved forward

I wrote this last Thursday but not much has changed sense then!

This is not a post about ending my book, although I'm getting there. No, it's that tomorrow is my last day at this job. I didn't particularly like what the school had me doing this year. Riding rough shod on teenagers who haven't learned respect. I don't just mean respect for me. They destroyed the stapler, two calculators, one of the tables I had to bring from home so they could have a decent work surface.

I really should be celebrating my release from this windowless room. It's been a hell of a year.

But the thing is. I never woke up dreading work. I wanted to be here. I enjoyed the kids most of the time. It was the shit job, the job no-one wanted. Hell, I didn't want it. But I took it, and I made it my own. My review was stellar, I'm told they like to keep me, but they aren't. No contract.

You know it hurts more than it should. Feeling unwanted. Yes, I know I shouldn't feel UNWANTED, after all it's budget cuts and all that. But it's hard not to. I liked getting to know the kids. Feeling like I made an impact on their lives. And I'm being cut loose, not just from the job but also from the money.

So it's scary and sad. And I'm mad that I'm letting it get to me.

To hell with them. I can go spread my joy somewhere else.

But hidden behind that righteous anger is the real sadness. The young woman who came into our lives and changed all of us for the better is leaving us in a few days. She'll be going home to her own family, in her own country and moving on with her life. She's off to college, to the start of a new life. I want to go too.