Friday, October 10, 2008

Burying the kitten

I buried a kitten today.   And as weird as it seems, I wished I were burying two.  The other kitten's body couldn't be found. how can you can get so attached to an animal in such a short time?  We'd had them for maybe four or five weeks.  it's one of those times when the external and the internal are so disparate that I feel cracked.

The past couple of days have been beyond gorgeous. Sunny, not too cool, with a breeze whirling the leaves from the trees.  The kind of beauty that fills you up inside.  It makes me marvel and nature's audacity.  And then Chili Pepper went missing.  We searched and couldn't find him, hoping maybe he'd turn up at the neighbors' or hanging out with Fat Cat who likes to roam.

Yesterday we came home from piano lessons to a dead kitten on the lawn.  Only it wasn't Chili, it was Callan's kitten Azule.  Callan was the only child I didn't see cry, although I'm sure she did cry in private.  The rest of us bawled.  The worst part is that it's pretty clear that one of our dogs killed her.  He's a big, dumb, baby of a dog.  Sheppard crossed with golden retriever.  I'm sure he was only playing.

I am just so angry with myself.  How could I  not realize Azule was at risk when Chili went missing?  I should have.  Our beagle kept chasing that chuckle head away from the kitten.  But it didn't occur to me that she knew what happened to Chili.  I should never have trusted that goofy dog.  I'm frustrated at my inability to see what might happen.

Today I dug a grave.  It was a fabulous day to be outside.  Even as I grieved I knew it was beautiful.  A fissure erupted inside me.  How can you enjoy life and feel such sadness at the same time?  It probably has something to do with being human.